Hand something over!
I cant sleep!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So im trying to get tired out by music or something i dont know a lot is on my mind. Everything under the sun. The protest tomorrow, the war the day after, the lives spent, the way people put a measly price on memories, love, life, and a human being, school troubles, job crap, assignments, relationship stuff- well not 'relationship' more like friendship i guess? i dont know. We were discussing the whole war and excluded our english teacher, shes like wait- lets have a CLASS discussion, we're like WE ARE, JUST NOW WITH YOU. lol She said she never seen us so fired up. I started getting a little tearyeyed- thinking back to all these 'predictions' that were made- thinking back to all those long talks with my grandfather- I miss those.. He misses me- he doesnt live with us anymore, and since we have seperate apartments- and im always exhausted after school- i dont see him that much- but i try to see him a couple times every other week. or so.. My marine biology trip went as planned- i got the thing if i want it. It's sitting right infront of my face- a two week trip to the bahamas to study the marine life over the summer- It's worth 5,000 dollars... This is like one of them times you see on one of them stupid teen lovey dovey shows, where you plan all these events to keep you busy throughout the year because you know your life feels like shit and its hell so you plan them to keep you busy and keep your mind off of that SPECIAL SOMEONE AHEM. And then you start falling for that person a couple months later AGAIN- then start double thinking all the time youre going to be away from that person... And how it affects whatever little bit you both agree you DO have together.Then sooner or later after you do go and come back they don't even like ya anymore. lol Thats how fast people change their emotions these days i swear. Thats why i dislike liking anyone. Because i know what im looking for- and most aren't. And. I guess what i want is a little extreme- i guess i look at the person and say 'please be the one i need' and thats when they run away. lol. I wish i could be as free as people. Like james for instance. He may be the biggest jerk when it comes to relationships- but at least he doesnt get hurt, right?He just gets confused as to what girl to like this week, month. He has whatever he has with them and then just kinda non chalantly(sp?) moves on to the next person he can get the happyness out of. Not in a mean way i guess- James can be the nicest kid, he can be understanding, and really carrying. He's good to have conversations with- but he's one big horn ball- and thats what keeps him from finding anything thats right for him if ya ask me. But thats not me at all- and i dont think it ever will be until i fall inlove so deeply, the person hits me with a 'its not you its me' after being with me for ages- and then i cry and then i turn into an emotional whore. Lol where i dont even wanna hear the word love for another three years. Then once again go back to my stage of men are scum on scum and i hate every male- which by then i'll probably be lesbian becaise i'll be so disgusted it keeps happening to me- and then ill get lucky with some nice girl and dump her because once again what i really want is a guy to spend the rest of my life with. lol. I wonder how my mother was at my age. Then again at 18 she already had me... She already knew the name-- she used to name her baby doll Vanessa.. So i don't know. She knew what she wanted out of life- and that was kids, and thats it i guess. But nowadays she throws up in my face- 'oh i need to live my life too vanessa' well shit mom- youre the one that layed down and spreaded your legs- not me. Dont give me that bullshit of the unlived life. I guess thats why i wont want to have kids until im in my late late late 20's. Probably 29. Right before i hit 30 if i have a good husband, ill be ready to have a baby. Then again i dont know- maybe i wont want kids- but the greatest thing you can do is give birth. Give life- But if this war turns in to global disaster there is NO WAY im even having a kid:| Lol okay i think i got 80 percent of the things off my mind with some weird jump into the future which wasnt planned.. But yeah my mind flows too much- Good night. Listening to: Pascifier: Everything That describes this all i guess. 'The things i'm dreaming about... and time runs out.' just my luck- eh? THANKS BUSH! THANKS A L O T :| Wanna be part of the world?Hand something over. The things that you always dreamed about- old embraces || and those || yet to come |
I loved on 03.19.03 at 12:03 am |