You gave me some place to go...
I noticed how i always seem to come here to mention the negative things in my life- mainly. I do talk about the good, but i guess when i'm in a pessimisic mood about this person, i fail to see all the good. There's always a balance. And i noticed how when i re-read the things we've said, the good overcomes the negative. The negative seems to just be a repeat, while the good is always something new, a new moment, a new memory, a new something i won't forget, a new smile. I guess something Emily Dickinson failed to see was that, a sad, mad, angry, depressed, unhappy, failure, anguish, angst type of feeling is always the same. You look the same. Your face frowns the same, the tears fall the same, your eyes puff up the same, and that pain is always the same. But what about the feeling of happiness?Being silly, dorkie, joyful, pleased, comfortable, calm, retarded, and when your joking around- the face expressions change by the minute, you laugh sometimes like you've never laughed before- you blush like your the redest tomato out there, then you feel so retarded, yet so full of joy. I mean, i know there's times i stop in my day, realize something, and feel like crying, yet i hold it in. It's something i can control. But there's times i stop, and think of something, and it puts the biggest smile on my face, because it's something i don't notice i'm doing, something i can't control. My face perminantly glues it self with that big smile that hurts your jaw and cheeks. And at the same time, you just want to laugh so bad, so you surpress the laughter so people don't think your nuts- i always end up covering my mouth, and giggling, hoping no one hears me. It's funny how, when youre really sad, and people crowd around you, they ask you what's wrong- and when your happy and laughing, they say- WHY ARE YOU SO HAPPY? Should there be a reason for being so happy it hurts? People always think you SHOULD be happy- yet they stil ask Why? Instead of asking 'why' maybe they should say something like glad to see you smiling'. or how about 'share the wealth cuz i wanna be smiling too'. lol I don't know. I just see a lot of this. Here's what i told Mark as i was talking about things: nene: hes done the dorkiest things infront of me nene: write he loves me on his face nene: burn the sleeves on his shirt nene: write my name on his guitar nene: cry infront me nene: stay up late nene: wait for me to wake up nene: talk to me before school nene: cut his bangs! He's done many more things that have made me smile though- I think the main reason why i do watch him, is because i love to see his face expressions. Even if he sits there like stone- i love it when he blushes and trys to cover the cam, or when he laughs at how stupid i am, or when he blinks a gagillion times, because it's hilarious. It makes me laugh, seeing him happy makes him happy. And just because there's a lot of times where i don't make him happy, i shouldn't feel the way i do. I should just be happy that someone IS doing it, i guess? He's made me this book, like a scrap book i guess you could say. And no one has ever been that thoughtful. No one has ever made me anything or put together anything, or show that they know anything about me by not buying a gift and just creating one. That shows a lot.. And that's something i don't think anyone can ever beat. Because he's doing this on his own, i didn;t tell him to. It's something HE came up with. Guys don't normally do that. The ones i know anyways. He knows me really well, he puts up with the way i am, who i am.. And maybe i shouldn't take that for granted.. Maybe i shouldn't try to deny a lot of it, because i feel i don't deserve it. My teacher said, that i'm one of the people that stay in those depressing moods, because i probably feel i've done nothing to deserve some of the happiness i've had. But that the truth is i do. She figured me out as soon as she read that piece. And i'm sure she'd love to read more. Maybe one day next quarter i'll show her some of my writing. When we have time to sit and talk. Because other then Hilderbrandt, she's taught me a lot. A lot about being a strong woman in society, and how it's hard to face love, and meet the right person, because people feel you're 'too good' when you feel you're not enough. I guess this is all for now. He's on, and i really feel like talking to him. Tears can be so funny. :)) When they stop falling, and dry up, you can feel the path inwhich they fell, and then you scrinch up your face and the path is gone. It's cute. -Sirius old embraces || and those || yet to come |
I loved on 03.23.03 at 11:01 am |