What have..I done?
I think i've come to the conclusion that when you put a Jayson substance and a Nessa substance together you don't get the right kind explosion. It seems like we always clash or something. It's like when we're friends wer're great and you want to go further- but when you're already there-- something goes down. And down... And down... I hate it. I wish we were happy TOGETHER, and didn't need other people to make us feel better or put us in a better mood. I guess i wish i could make him happier and it wouldn't seem like i'm just one big bore in his life. But i think that's what it's come to. I have no idea how he feels, he never really tells me anything- hell we barely even talk. So i end up saying 'what's the use, I give up' If i cared so much about him why would i say that?Why not try harder. I don't i guess i forget that things that don't want to be worked out won't. And it seems this situation doesn't want to be worked out- just pushed aside and a good 'get over it' type deal i guess. Shit man, i don't even have my friend.He's not acting like my friend, nor my boyfriend. Hell he shouldn't even have to act. It should come naturally. So maybe i'm nothing to really respond to. I guess. Maybe he would be happier if i just ended it. Maybe that's what he's waiting for. Can he feel it? Is he just sitting back and waiting for the moment i finally break and say we have to seperate? What kind of love does this?This isn't even healthy- these thoughts and words wouldn't come out. Maybe we're seriously just not ment to be. But going back to square one 'friends' is so hard... The steps take forever- and normally i just go away for awhile and come back 4 mths later until i'm ready to talk to people again. I don't know. Time is moving so fast, and i've lost a lot of people this year, i'm tired of losing friends, and i'm tired of my partnership with a person never working out. I'm tired of going away, i'm tired of things never ever really being 'okay'. This time around if i leave i won't come back, i couldn't. I can't leave for months and come back and expect things to get better. College is coming up- there won't be any time to come back and reminisse or forgive and forget. This time it will just be completely over. And i really don't want to see an end. But anyways, Maybe it's because i need something here. And i don't think he'd ever would want to give me that. I think he likes his position and life right now. SO maybe i'm just in the way. "Cute without the E" is on. and yeah.... = We have nothing to say to eachother so that does that say? It says nothing and a lot all at once. Something got me thinking today. A lyric from Ataris- "I don't want to go to bed alone, but do i want to wake up to you?" And as sad and scary as that sounds... Maybe the song is right. Maybe i'm lonely and looking for someone, but he isn't what i need. Maybe he was what i needed months ago, but i had to let go of for various reasons... Maybe it's too late- maybe it always was. I guess i should learn the difference between lust like and love. Because i don't think it's real love, if only happyness and joking around can keep us together. We have to be able to make it through the hard times too.. And we haven't been doing so well. It makes me sad but what can i do? I don't know. But love isn't supposed to hurt people right?And maybe by my confusion i hurt him. And maybe by his not talking to me it hurts me because i don't know how to fix anything.I wish i could fix this. I thought everything would be perfect this time. He's not a bad guy, i don't know why he associates himself with some bad ass that intentionally hurts me. Because i don't think it's intentional. And i think it's me just hurting my self. Friends...Lover.... I haven't seen either of those lately. Maybe this just doesn't want to get fixed,i care and love him though. But do i have to let go?...Again? Was it ment to go this way again? I hate hurting people, i hate feeling hurt, but i hate the tension and i dislike the pauses that we always have. Truth is with or without me jayson will be happy and he will find a way to his happiness even if everything around him is dark. That's what i love about him. When is enough, enough?And how can it get to enough, if you don't let it. Why do i feel so powerless? What have i done? 3 old embraces || and those || yet to come |
I loved on 04.16.03 at 6:29 pm |