I'm confused
Ashley I'm really really glad you have that, and i'm happy for you. Don't let go of something that isn't letting go of you, that isn't trying to break you. There's not many of them out there. I learned this much.If anything. lol. Mark You know she's not trying to kiss my ass. and i heart you. and i care about you. Or i wouldn't give a damn what you do to yourself. You know that. you're a good kid. <3 As for 'luck' with relationships- i started to type this to ashley in my guestbook and decided i have more to say i guess. So here's what started out as a guestbook comment and is now turning into an entry. ha luck. right. i dont know. men suck. i think want to be alone- i think i heard it in a song by tonic- " i don't know when i got bitter- love is surely better when it's gone." I think i should be alone. It's funny and scary how i can picture spending a lifetime with a person, yet at the same time i can also vision them breaking me into microscopic pieces. I can see my world rise and fall all in one straight glance. It's sad. And it hurts kinda'. It seems i'm cared about more when i'm just friends with a person, because i don't worry about what they tell the world, what they really feel, and what their real intentions are. Jayson has indeed changed. But i've been spending the last month that we've been together, trying to figure out if it's for the better or worse. I feel like when we were friends, he was so good to me, he cared, he wanted to talk to me, he didn't worry about how high or low i held him, i felt that he just cared to talk to me, and live in the moment of now. He wasn't so cold to me. I guess i'm feeling now he's more cold towards me. He used to express himself a lot more, before. He doesn't much at all now. Least not with me I don't know how he is with others. I used to. I think he doesn't care either way, and maybe he's just doing whatever and figuring out where he stands. Maybe he's going to find out i'm not for him? When it comes to talking our conversations can go from one extreme to the other. It's like one day we have a complete dry spell, and the next we're still sort of bitter about it so we have a semi- conversation then the next day it's at it's ultimate high and it's wonderful, unbelievable, and leaves me speechless- but then the cycle starts over again. I don't know the only way i could explain this i guess is by saying that his personality has gone cold towards me. For lack of a better word, but i kind of feel this word suits it. I don't know what's happend. I mean i know i want him to be serious about us, and devoted, and committed. But by doing that has it drained the joyful sillyness and just enjoying the everyday of knowing someone loves you the way you love them? Or is it that they don't... How can you tell ? Sometimes i feel so one-sided. So i have a argument with my self, because none of my questions seem to be rhetorical, or get answered. I try to wait it out and see if they do- but they don't. And i don't have the guts to ask him- because i don't think he'll be able to? I guess i'm just figuring it's going to be one big 'i dont know' or [insert answer here] -silence for the rest of the week-. Kind of deal... How do things always manage to get complicated for me?I don't know. But i can't answer the questions i'm asking. And i can't make believe there's an answer, or he can answer these- or want to. Because maybe there's an answer to all of these that's being avoided? I don't know. Ness old embraces || and those || yet to come |
I loved on 04.30.03 at 8:16 pm |