Everything goes away in the end..Part 1
A lot happened today-- this past week, and i really need to get it all off my chest. Problems with my mother, problems for my cousin, and problems for kari. I can't stand it. I hate this. First things first i'll talk about what's going on with my cousin Lu, and what i'm feeling... For almost 19 years, Luisa has always been the star i hold up high no matter what. When i was a wee one from aboot 3-4 and up, Luisa was always the one sticking up for me," having my back" and being there to listen and understand me. She was the only one to understand me. I love her so much-- i've always looked at her as an older sister, she showed me the world through her eyes, and the world can be beautiful--. Her biological mother is a bitch, and is very careless. Wait no she cares aboot a couple things. SEX, MONEY, DRUGS, AND HERSELF. Yeah. You know you're not a true parent when you're still saying ME ME ME I I I . You have kids, bitch. Act like it. But then again she left them when Luisa was like 6. So fuck her. She tried coming back into their lives when luisa was 20? & Yeah she's disapearing again. Enough of that. Fuck her. Luisa has met this great guy from online. His name is James, and he is everything a girl could ever want. So much that i'm jealous to an extent. I want what he's giving to her. But i want it from someone I care aboot in my future. Not him. haha. But yes. They want to build a life together,-- but his life is in Scotland-- which would mean i would lose the one person i look to for everything, and vise versa. We tell eachother absolutely everything. & when she does move on and go to Scotland i seriously feel as if i'm losing a HUGE ass part of myself. I tried not to cry the one time she talked to me, i even did the lip thing that i do to hold back tears. But then they sorta fell, and i kept my head down because i don't like crying infront of people what so ever. She hugged me and kissed my forhead and said there will always be a spare room at their house for me. & I said it still wouldn't be the same... & It won't. I can't just call her up and say "man lu i'm having a horrible day-- lets get out and go to a coffee shop, or by the lake.. just take a ride somewhere and clear our heads" chances are she's feeling the same as i. becuase were insync like that. We won't be a mile radius from eachother, i'll need phone cards when i feel like talking to her. The only thing we'd have is the internet, and maybe if i save up money i can see her each summer, or vise versa she can come here one summer and i there one summer... I don't know. But i love her so much... She's the only one i bared my soul to and never felt like it was wrong to, i never feel awkward around her, she helps me grow. Next to my grandfather, she's just everything. God. My grandfather is even talking aboot leaving to Scotland to either visit or live there. & what happens when you lose the two most understanding people in your life. The two people that know where you've been, see where your at and can help you achieve where your going with simple encouraging words, and make life simple for you-- they don't throw all these emotions on you, or tell you how you should be, or tell you what you're not. but accept you as you are, and make you want to be a better you. It's different from parents. It's like two best friends. & i feel like i'm losing both. I feel that when their gone i have nothing. I will have nothing. I won't know who i am, and i feel like i'll be lost. & i won't have anyone there to tell me it will be okay. When you have people in your life to make life that much worth while-- you don't just shove them away. Hold on to them as tight as you can, because them kind of people don't come often. They don't come back either. It will never be the same once you let someone so important go, or hurt them so bad that it forces them to leave. You want to cherish every single split moment you have with them, and treat them as if they are gods, because in your world, they are. You believe in them, and invest in them as if they were your religion. No one can replace them. But i guess this is going to make me grow up even more. I will have to break from my shell and depend on others... But it's so hard... And i'm going to miss her so much when she's not here. I feel like everything i ever loved, or cared so much aboot just leaves me. I never get a chance to keep anything. I feel so sad. & I'm sheding tears. it hurts so much. Everything just hurts. I don't know.... But i want them to be happy. So if fleeing thousands of miles will make life better for them-- then i have to hold back what i feel and put that aside and allow someone to get happiness if not i-- then by all means them.. -le sigh. Which leads me to my next entry.... >>*SONIC*<< old embraces || and those || yet to come |
I loved on 07.29.03 at 7:54 pm |