Fickled
Well where to start... do be do be dooo! Well last night i spent the night at my dads. I promised i would spend christmas Day with him, and we would hang out. So we all had dinner at his house, and watched movies. My bro and i and Urel(step) had fun. We all had to wake up early tho' because My dad and his wife had to go to work. SO we got up at 6 and got ready real quick, then left with my dad.
...
I miss the way myh dad would always run outside before my mom and I, and warm the car up, and clean the snow off when it was freezing cold, or it was a blizzard. My dad always thinks of family first and would sacrafice himself before anyone. He wouldn't want us to get sick. My mothers husband is NOTHING like my dad, you cant even compare the two. My dad is on a much much MUCH higher level then Jay. =; * Gives the hand* Jay grunts and gets pissed when he's required to do a MANLY job. So basically since my grandfather isn't as young as he used to be, and as healthy- i'm basically the man of the house. I think i've always been. My brother hasn't stepped up to the plate yet, so i guess i have a few rounds left.
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Well anyway. By ACCIDENT, i frickin' forgot to put my dads little lunch bag back on the car chair. Because it was sitting on my lap and now i feel so dumb, and bad. He probably had to buy a lunch = Rawr i feel like i ruiend his day somehow.. I dunno' i'm a dumbass =( When i called his cell right away to tell him i forgot to give him his lunch- and to come back and get it because he need sit, he laughed and said "it's okay baby, keep it" so i guess he got something else to eat.
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I swear i don't know. I'm so close to my father.. Yet in a way he's so far away..the walls are slowly breaking down though. And i'm slowly coming one with what's been infront of me for the past 7 years. I'm starting to slowly accept Mory, and Urel. I haven't really come to accept Jay yet though. I guess i feel that he's not the one for my mom at all. I think she can do better. But she settled for him as last result.= Now she's paying for it, because she's lonely, maybe sexually satisfied, but not emotionally. You can't even talk to him. He's like a child. He plays playstation most of the time that he's home. What kind of life IS this?!I definantly want better for my self. I won't settle for something low, just because i'm afraid of waiting. I deserve a good life; a better one.I'm trying... All i can say is i'm trying...I think i'm succeeding so far though.
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Anyways. I had an odd [great] conversation with Jayson today. It was pleasant. In a weird corrupted way, we were humoring eachother.I think he sort of admitted to missing me.. In his own shy not so obvious way.I did kind of miss him. But i don't know. Like i said. It hurt. But maybe down some odd weird peaceful path, we will finally see eye to eye, and become decent with eachother. [ Sadly, i somehow doubt his sincereness at some point.. I don't know. I accept what he's offering, but... At the same time, i'm keeping my eyes open. His company is great.. But if it brings pain.. I don't want it. I don't want to be badmouthed anymore.]
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I don't deserve to be treated bad anymore. I think i deserve some type of respect, and understanding. I'm not saying BOW DOWN ALL OF YOU MORTALS NOW!.. But i am saying- Notice i am human too, there is no such thing as normal, i should be able to express what i feel too, and i have feelings. I CAN feel. [Wounds heal but scars never go away]
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Apart I Fall: Hi
Fr5285: hello
Fr5285: what are you up to
Apart I Fall: writing in my online journal.
Fr5285: hshha
Apart I Fall: ?
Fr5285: online journal
Apart I Fall: yeah.
Fr5285: weird
Fr5285: but
Fr5285: you are vanessa
Apart I Fall: james told me he has a journal online too.
Apart I Fall: he gave me the link.
Fr5285: lol
Apart I Fall: What's wrong with being me.
Fr5285: so your going to read it
Fr5285: nothing is wrong
Apart I Fall: I swear, you people all look at me in some way to seperate me from everyone.
Fr5285: i was just playing this game
Apart I Fall: As if i'm some sort of freak that should be pointed and laughed at:-
Apart I Fall: Sorry if i'm not a clone, and i don't play follow the leader like everyone else at Roosevelt, with their little groupie of friends that don't even know who they are.
Apart I Fall: It's easy to be like everyone else but it takes more for a person to not be.
Apart I Fall: :-
Fr5285: what
Apart I Fall: Maybe that's too much for the common mind to grasp :-
Fr5285: oh yeah!!!
Fr5285: !!!!
Apart I Fall: Yeah:-
Fr5285: ha
Fr5285: cool
*
Anyways... Damn all the boys to hell =; *hand again* I swear. There is no guy out there that will see me. AT ALL!Then again. If they can't. Then i don't want them to. =; :| hmph.
I really don't know what else to write. So i'm going to enter something in here later.
*Curtsey* Laid her.
Sonic
old embraces
|| and those || yet to come
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