Fill the hole
She calls me from the cold
Just when I was low, feeling short of stable
And all that she intends
And all she keeps inside, isn't on the label
She says she's ashamed
And can she take me for awhile
And can I be a friend, we'll forget the past
But maybe I'm not able
And I break at the bend
We're here and now, but will we ever be again
'Cause I have found
All that shimmers in this world is sure to fade
Away again
She dreams a champagne dream
Strawberry surprise, pink linen and white paper
Lavender and cream
Fields of butterflies, reality escapes her
She says that love is for fools who fall behind
And I'm somewhere in between
I never really know
A killer from a savior
'Til I break at the bend
It's too far away for me to hold
It's too far away...
Guess I'll let it go
-Fuel
...
...I'm thinking about my past.. Trying to figure out what went wrong in past relationships. I can't quite pinpoint it anymore. Things just sort of happen.. And after it happens. You can't change what's done. The past can't be alterd...I can't stop feeling and being who i am. It's so hard trying to remain strong and level headed in this world.. It gets so fucking hard. When sometimes there's temptation, to lie, decieve, and for a moment be someone your really not. I've avoided doing that as much as i could. But people hate me for it. [I don't understand?] I don't... Why am i hated for my thoughts, my words, my actions, standing ground, being who i am, feeling the way i do, and expressing my self?.. I know most of the time i don't care what people feel towards me. But sometimes i just wonder,- "what am i doing wrong?"
"Shimmer" makes me think of a point in time i was with Jayson. As much as i hate to say that. But this is my journal... so i guess people will just have to handel the thoughts. I can't say what others expect me to. I'd do the complete opposite if i could.
...Back to my thoughts.. I guess. Anyways yeah... I don't have to refer to Jayson as him, i can say his name. I've moved on. But moving on doesn't mean you have to forget. Learn from the past, it could help you in the future.
"And all that she intends
And all she keeps inside, isn't on the label
She says she's ashamed"
...That describes me. My thoughts.. I can't just put [relationship] emotions out there. I keep those feelings inside...
"And can she take me for awhile
And can I be a friend[?], we'll "forget" the past
But maybe I'm not able
And I break at the bend
We're here and now, but will we ever be again[?]"
..That thought was crossing my mind.. About a 3 weeks into our relationship.. Well maybe a month. Doubts started hitting me hard. Sharp pains hitting my chest that i couldn't control. It was my heart aching. Paranoia was taking the best of me. I seeked help. From a friend. She said it was probably just me being scared. Somehow i wasn't scared though... Something in that relationship felt like all my others, that's why i wasn't in complete awe of him. I loved him sure enough. His personality was great. Or so i thought.. There were things i knew about though... I should have known he wouldn't change his ways. Not even for me. You can't change him. A man is a man.. They do what they have to do i guess. *shrugs* People can't help lust, or lack of a person to lean on. People search for it in every way they can. Unless they're burned. And numb.
I guess i was seeking a sence of feeling from him. To feel "alive". But i didn't feel alive. Sure.. The first week i was smiling my ass off. It felt good to call someone your own. How i would say,"That's my JayT Hot Cakes"..It used to feel so nice. But then started to taste so sour.
Later...(Too late) i found out that everything..Every emotion, doubt, silenced moment, untrustful thoughts, that i had about him.. Came all out to be true. My heart pulled me away from something that wasn't mine in the first place. He was never mine. There was never a competition for him. He was always just there.. Sort of. He wasn't beside me though, He stood by himself. Until this day.. I think he will always stand alone, at heart. He won't tell anyone that though. He's going to keep believing in love, and in girls, and keep faith that the two will unite and fill that hole he has. The hole he's trying to fill isn't love though.. It's loss. You can't bring a person back. The person you lost won't be a replica into someone you can fall inlove with and move on in this "cheerful" world.
Nothing compares. Nothing comes close. You can't fill a closed Jar. If a person is numb, you can give them love, but don't expect them to take it in. It will be on their mind, but never in their heart, until the heart is ready to let it all in. It's not a bruise on his chest he carries. It's a deep wound. One that won't even stop bleeding the slightest . Even if you throw salt and water on it. Stitch it up with time, sure. But remember the scar never heals. A bruise does.
Now i come to this....
"'Cause I have found
All that shimmers in this world is sure to fade
Away again
She dreams a champagne dream
Strawberry surprise, pink linen and white paper
Lavender and cream
Fields of butterflies, reality escapes her
She says that love is for fools who fall behind
And I'm somewhere in between
I never really know
A killer from a savior
'Til I break at the bend
It's too far away for me to hold
It's too far away...
Guess I'll let it go"
Too far away... And I am stuck inbetween.
Sonic
old embraces
|| and those || yet to come
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