An entry for my old journal.
An Update: I've been realy sick and shit 10x's as bad as i have been for the past two weeks. And well after thursday i was just plain ill,and still am. Haha :P I went to wisconsin and had a little vacation, also went and soaked in the hot tub. I didn't even have the energy to swim! I <3 swimming..So i really must be sick. Maybe i'm sick in the head too haha. But yeah i seen 8-mile, I bought the Old/New Nirvana Cd. Pretty Wicked. I feel like an asshole for buying it though.. I don't think he would want it sold, and to be sold out like that.. But oh well.Lu said they were advertising the CD and saying "IF YOU BUY THE CD WE'LL GIVE YOU A POSTER OF KURT TOO!" I was sorta pissed when she told me that..But whatever. When the journals come out i'm still debating on whether or not i'm gunna buy it...I'm tempted to.. But then if that were me.. I dunno, i'd be pissed. When someones an inspiration to you- one does anything to get as close as they can i guess. And i really just wanna' see how his mind ticked.. But like they said, if you wanna know what he was feeling- listen to the fuckin songs. It's no different from the journal. :P haha anyways! TO MY POINT! Sorry i drift off from time to time =
Look at this entry with an open mind. Because the words here live..They're not just on paper, and their not just typed. The words have a soul and a body. True meaning. That's all.
Below is a poem written by Jim Carrol..One of my favorites. I only really have two favorites from him. But this one really caught my eye.It was written about and dedicated to a well known artist, that now only lives through his child, his friends, his fans, and his music.Kurt Cobain.
8 Fragments for Kurt Cobain
1/
Genius is not a generous thing
In return it changes more interest than any amount
of royalties can cover
And it presents fame
With bitter vengeance
Pills and powders only pacate it awhile
Then it puts you in a place where the planet's
poles reverse.
Where the currents of electricity shift
Your Body becomes a magnet and pulls to it despair
and rotten teeth,
Cheez Whiz and guns
Whose triggers are shaped tenderly into a false
lust
In timeless illusion
2/
The guitar claws kept tightening, I guess, on your
heart stem.
The loops of feedback and distortion, threaded
right thru
Lucifer's wisdom teeth, and never stopped their
reverberating
In your mind
And from the stage
All faces out front seemed so hungry
With an unbearably wholesome misunderstanding
From where they sat, you seemed so far up there
High and live and diving
And instead you were swamp crawling
Down, deeper
Until you tasted the Earth's own blood
And chatted with the buzzing-eyed insects that
heroin breeds
3/
You should have talked more with the monkey
He's always willing to negotiate
I'm still paying him off...
The greater the money and fame
The slower the pendulum of fortune swings
Your will could have sped it up...
But you left that on an airplane
Because it wouldn't pass customs and immigration
4/
Here's synchronicity for you:
Your music's tape was inside my walkman
When my best friend from summer camp
Called with news about you
I listened then...
It was all there!
Your music kept cutting deeper and deeper valleys
of sound
Less and less light
Until you hit solid rock
The drill bit broke
and the valley became
A thin crevice, impassable in time,
As time itself stopped.
And the walls became vises of brillant notes
Pressing in...
Pressure
That's how diamonds are made
And that's where it sometimes all collapses
Down in on you
5/
The I translated your muttered lyrics
And the phrases were curious:
Like "incognito libido"
And "Chalk Skin Bending"
The words kept getting smaller and smaller
Until
Separated from their music
Each letter spilled out into a cartridge
Which fit only in the barrel of a gun
6/
And you shoved the barrel in as far as possible
Because that's where the pain came from
That's where the demons were digging
The world outside was blank
Its every cause was just a continuation
Of another unsolved effect
7/
But Kurt...
Didn't the thought that you would never write
another song
Another feverish line or riff
Make you think twice?
That's what I don't understand
Because it kept me alive, above any wounds
8/
If only you hadn't swallowed yourself into a coma
in Rome...
You could have gone to Florence
And looked into the eyes of Bellini's or Raphael's
Portraits
Perhaps inside them
You could have found a threshold back to beauty's arms
Where it all began
No matter that you felt betrayed by her
That is always the cost
As Frank said,
Of a young artist's remorseless passion
Which starts out as a kiss
And follows like a curse
-Jim Carrol
To finish off this entry here are some quotes:
"...none of us really changes over time, we only become more fully what we are."
"This is no longer a slum neighborhood. I haven't heard of a Cubs fan being shot in a long time."
- Anonymous Wrigley Field Neighbor, Chicago, IL
"Today I will cry like never after, but tomorrow my laughter will be heard like never before."
"Quick..., put your left hand on your right shoulder, put your right hand on your left shoulder, now squeeze! That was a quick hug from me!" (So cute :D )
"Dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go; be what you want to be, because you only have one life to live and one chance to do all the things you want to do."
"Hold fast to dreams for if dreams go, life is a barren field covered with snow. Hold fast to dreams for if dreams die, life is a broken winged bird that cannot fly."
"Most people want to be the sun that brightens up your life, but I'd rather be the moon that shines down on you in your darkest hours."(haha suhweet :P)
"Love from one side hurts, but love from two sides heals."
"Friendship is only lost once you have the courage to let it go."
"The best friend you can have is one you can sit on the porch with and not say a word, then get up and feel like that was the best conversation you've ever had."
Sweet is love when all is sane
Sweet is death to rid the pain
Cruel is death when all is well
Cruel is love when all is hell
To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night & day, to make you everybody else- means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting. -E E Cummings
"Bottom line is, even if you
see 'em coming. you're not
ready for the big moments.
No one asks for their life to
change. not really. but it does.
So, what, are we helpless?
Puppets?No. The big
moments are gonna' come.
Can't help that. It's what you
do afterwards that really
counts. That's when you find
out who you are."-BTVS
"You know your right....
And last but not least.......
It's truly AMAZING when complete strangers become the best of friends, but it's really sad when the best of friends...Become Complete Stangers.
old embraces
|| and those || yet to come
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