"Vanessa"
The tears are falling,
I bet you're happy now--
And all i wanted was Happiness,
All i wanted was Honesty & Trust
All i wanted was Love.
Right now all i have is [nothing]-
I spent these last past couple years
Pushing people away
Thinking all they wantede was the best of Me
Fearing they just wanted to Hurt me.
I bet this would satisfy many--
To see me fall to my knees & cry.
I've learned it hasn't been a battle with the world, nor the people,
That i was in.
But all along i've been in a battle with myself...
I'm so afraid of pain & hurting--
Yet that's all i've done to myself.
I've taken away everything that has ever
Potentially made me Happy.
I found comfort in the darkness,
Dark grey shadowy clouds became my "Beautiful Sky"-
And the only thing that ever shined were my stars--
But even they faded to a dim shade of grey.
Lately, everything has been all black & white--
I've been wondering when my world will Shine once more--
I'm scared it won't.
My strength has faded away
My mind filled with suicidal thoughts
My veins throbbing with suicidal passion
All i think about is the bitter sweetness of pain & harm
That i could cause myself.
My body is so numb--
I haven't felt anything in awhile--
But when the blade hits my skin--
Will i come back to life?
I'm craving the feeling of blood --
Bubbleing up to the surface of my skin slowly....
Then, after moments time, the crusting of a thin layer above the scars..
I'm drowning in the salty taste of my tears--
I don't deserve to live.
There are others worth saving that can take my place--
I'm nothing-- i'm no one--
My face has no real name--
And if it did what would it be?
Surely not the doll that was once called "Vanessa"?
What was she thinking?
Naming me after a plastic stiff numb doll--
That has no emotions, has no Heart, has no feeling--
Oh.... I see,
Maybe it's supposed to be this way?
That doll is symbolic to me.
If only i could Feel--
Touch something Pure--
Love like i was never Hurt
Find Someone worth Loving--
My Heart jumps out to any affection it receives.
My mind pulls me back in--
A constant battle i have--
All these faces that have visited and past me by.
And i have nothing to show for it--
Oh.. yes i do!
This empty hole in my heart--
The Numbing body it sits in--
Ah yes this doll...
This doll named "Vanessa".
By:VMS
old embraces
|| and those || yet to come
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