Where has it all gone?
[ If shame had a face i think it would kind of look like mine.. If i had a home- would it be my eyes? ] I think i have offically seen it all. There is only so many times someone like me can 'dance around clumsily' and 'put on a show' for people to keep them interested, and talking to me. There is only so much i can say before everything goes silent. I have noticed (after skimming my older journals) that my cycle repeats- my pain, my numbness, my happyness, my insecurities, my strengths, my weaknesses, my will- it all repeats, and i do the same thing over and over again- and it all ends the same. Life, relationships, family, friends- everything. Everything has repeated in the last 3 years that i can record back to. Before three years ago i think i had some spirit. But i don't anymore. I never gave up on people until this year. I noticed i lost interest in wanting to get to know and invest time in people 3 years ago. The sad part to this story is- i noticed a lot more people are getting that way. They're losing what i thought was so special about them. I'll be the first to admit that it's not easy 'not caring'. But when i see other people that have spirits that can lift anyone elses, and hearts that is full of love- and i see them doing this- it makes me sad. What have they all become? What has happend in the last year that has killed everything i love about these people? And why did the take away the very joy i looked forward to. I used to think nobody changed- but they have. Some have grown up some have grown immature and spoiled, but for the most part people i 'used' to 'know' have grown. I don't think anybody wants to be happy around me anymore- or at least that's what it feels like. People i could talk to endlessly for hours- can barely hold a 20 minute conversation with me. People i used to tell everything to have treated me like shit and used everything i ever said against me. People i used to think understood me- don't - or maybe just don't want to anymore. And once again after trying- i've learned that My cousin Luisa is still the one that will be there when everyone is gone, when everyone has changed, and when everyone has decided they don't need me anymore. Maybe people are like this because their able to see too much of me now? Perhaps i should just take some time away from people- and let them o their 'thing'. I'm not even considered in everyday life anymore. I'm just the one that dances alone infront of a crowd, and when the crowd get's through with me and feels entertained- they leave me alone on the stage in the dark. I'm really tired of it. Lately my feelings haven't even been considered, my thoughts i've tried to contain, and my words slip though i still try my best to hold back. But there is only so much of me i can keep in a box. This may sound as if i'm pathetic but it's really me worrying about people and life. If i'm left with no one who wants to be cared for then what am i living for? If i don't have people to love, and share happiness and my every living waking breathing days with- then why am i here? I don't want to die. But i will someday. But why have people stopped caring? Why is it when i look at people now- they look as if the life has been dragged out of them. It's so fucking sad. And i can't do anything about it. No one is the same anymore. And i guess as i get older i realize that this is going to happen more and more. Everyone has given up on something this year- it may not be people, but it's something, and it makes me sad. I never thought i'd see people like this. This world has gone dark, and has lost it's life- and am i the only one that is noticing this? Until later. Ness old embraces || and those || yet to come |
I loved on 04.23.03 at 8:32 pm |