Everything Goes away in the End Part 3
Now for part three.. There may be a part four.. WHo knows. -le sigh. My mother. Doesn't understand me. She never trys to-- she just throws her words at me like nothing-- she assumes things, and all my life she has never let me truely speak. Then again i really didn't know how to reply either. See the thing people forget is, is that, even if your 18, you're still 1 2 3 4 10 14 17. You're still all of them ages, because they are with you. I guess that's why sometimes we feel 3, other times we feel 11, and there are times we feel our actual age. Whenever my mother spoke down to me.. I always felt 6. I still felt six until a couple months ago. I finally opened up. Not in the rude exploding way-- but i tried explaining who i am to her. Nothing has worked. Right now i feel like she's keeping me at 11. & She wants me to stay there. So it causes me to act 11. But when you've been acting 11 for so long-- & it's time to actually be your age.. You feel out of place-- you don't know what to do-- and it's different. i've been trying so hard to get past that stage i felt like i was locked up in-- i just want to move on. I've some how been so damnaged that i just can't take it anymore. My family is SO fucking caring. Yet so goddamned dysfunctional. & That's what my life has been. WHen i have kids i want them to have the simplest life-- yet not so simple they don't learn anything. I don't want them to be afraid-- i don't want them to give up. My mother beats too many things into my head and i.. just can't take it anymore. But right now i need her, i need her until i get out of college. Until i am stable to be on my own. She needs me too.. I can't just up and leave her without a solid reason to go. & My solid reason will be a husband. I want to have a love life i don't have to give up anytime soon. But i'll get that when i get it. I'm.. just so fucking drained. I know she thinks im so ungreatful-- but does she ever give me a chance to be greatful? i don't know. i don't know. i could write this over and over-- because that's the story of my life. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. Because i don't. Life is so complicated-- but it shouldn't be THIS hard. Nothing should be this hard. I shouldn't lose people i love-- use people that live for me-- push people away that care aboot me-- chase people who care nothing aboot me. I am so fucking stupid. What have i done... Who am i? I'm so imperfect it's disgusting. Every new day that rises i only wish for it to set so this numbness and pain would go away-- so i wouldn't have to feel so i wouldn't have to think so i wouldn't have to make decisions so i wouldn't have to go through this on an every other day basis. Why can't we all just be happy...? >>*SONIC*<< old embraces || and those || yet to come |
I loved on 07.29.03 at 8:35 pm |