Feels like i'm dieing.
"That's what it takes to be a hero, a little gem of innocence inside you that makes you want to believe that there still exists a right and wrong, that decency will somehow triumph in the end. " "We cannot be happy if we expect to live all the time at the highest peak of intensity. Happiness is not a matter of intensity, but of balance and order and rhythm and harmony " "It is a terrible thing To be so open; it is as if my heart put on a face and i walked into the world " "Everyone thinks they know who I am but the truth is nobody really does, except for one person. Me and only me." "Unless you could see inside my head, you couldn�t possibly understand." "A friend is someone who can see the truth and pain in you even when you're fooling everyone else." I feel like.. Crying. I don't know. Today was my last basketball game that i can play for the season- Though we have 3 practice games, plus the playoffs coming up. I don't think i can play after my surgery- so yeah. I'm scare of what's to happen in the near future.. Lately everything has been going so wrong- when i try to look up i try to be strong and look for the better side of things but sometimes it's hard when all you really want to do is see everything for what it is now instead of what it can be. I think i'm really going to miss everyone.. Though i hate to admit it. I know apart of me wants to run out that highschool door and say THANK YOU FUCKING JEEBUS I MADE IT OUT OF THIS THING!- but there's apart of me that really will miss it. This school has helped shapped who I am. And though i don't show my weak side to everyone i meet- i have one. And thats the side the school shapped. I think i don't show it anymore, because people never understood me- and still don't. I don't think anyone really gets me, other then my cousin Luisa. There's this deep side of me that want's to so believe there is good in EVERYONE. And wishes that i can be good enough for someone- and that everyone is a 'friend' and i can allow my self to love people.- But that hasn't happend. I guess i still see people as a threat to break me. As if everyones out there only to hurt what little light i have left in me that can possibly let me shine out from everyone else. And i can't let that happen. I miss so many people- Sabbath, Dylan, Giulia, Milisava.. Pedro, Ramon, Elmer... Even Julio's ass . lol I miss Diana- My tom boy bball buddIE. I called her my sister. I see some of her in Veronica- i guess that's why we get along so well. Every year there is a Diana, and a Me. That joins the team. It was Diana, Then Me, then Veronica. We were the three bball sisters- and everyone believed it. Everyone thought we were real sisters but just had different mothers, Lol. I miss....John( Adrienne), Mikey, Tito, BoopIe, EVEN that whore ass Breann- though she wasn't a good friend. I miss ArtIe, Armando, Chris, Angel.. Justins perverted ass. Lol.. God. I knew soooo many people- but i moved around so much throughout my grammar school years that i had to leave behind a lot of people- And i guess that's why i'm the sorta 'outcast'. Because i was never in one place for more the 6 mths, to a year. Until like 5th grade. When i FINALLY stayed in one place. But now that i'm graduating.. We're moving AGAIN. God.. It's been 18 wonderful years. And 8 great years living in this neighborhood. Finally getting to know some people. I don't think anyone knows that people i know from TMMS- I've known the longest in my entire life. And i'm not even all that close with anyone. Which is sad. I had stronger bonds with people i knew for only 2 mths, then i do with people i've known for 6 or 8 years. That hurts. But what can you do? I'm scared i won't have people to carry with me when i leave roosevelt. That i don't have life long friends that will call me out of the middle of no where and say- 'Hey, I miss you- let's hang out or something' Azra might. But even her life get's really occupied. Maybe i'll create friendships with people in college that will last long. Who honestly know's what my future holds. I'm going to be okay. One day things will be great again. I hope. "I feel the dream in me... expire..." Broken, .....Sonic old embraces || and those || yet to come |
I loved on 01.22.03 at 5:43 pm |