Downfall... Life hurts.
" It shouldn't be this difficult to breathe-" Depression.. Confusion.. And being lost. I'm for once in my life scared. What's going to happen?How can i make thing's better? Why is this happening to us? What did we do to deserve all this pain and heartache... I'm crying.. I haven't cried in so long.. I'm so scared. =*( I haven't been fully posting what's been going on in my life. I mean the at home stuff- Everything has been falling apart the last couple weeks. I tried avoiding it- staying strong- trying to keep focused on school- because that's all i have to help my future. But i can't avoid writing about this anymore.. I need to get a lot of things off my chest right now- i'm finally at my breaking point, and i'm scared. For the past couple weeks- we've ( my mother, brother, jay(mom's husband) and I) have been looking for an apartment. Sad thing is we didn't find one in our price range and we had to take one that would make us struggle some until i get a job. My aunt and cousin are(were?) supposed to stay with us at the apartment and help with the rent and bills until they get back on their feet, and we get financially stable as well- My mom hasn't been working for a long time- because ever since my grandfather had his toes cut off because of diabeaties or whatever- my mom had to keep leaving her job for surgeries, his needs etc. So she took a year off, and helped keep his foot in good condition, while taking care of my brother and I, making sure we get to school and i get picked up at night and she goes to all my basketball games. Every morning she has to gaw (sp?) up my grandfathers foot so it won't get infected- she fixes his medicine, she makes sure everything is going well. So what money do we live on? We lived on the 50 dollar check we get from child support for both my brother and I- 50 dollars ain't shit. The court wanted to raise it to 1 something- my dad should be paying a lot more- but my mom said no because my dad spilts all expences with her for my brother and i. Well we've been living on jays income- We're lucky if we get a good 20,000 a year (after taxes).- Jay got layed off today... So now all we have is that 50 dollars. The apartment we were going to get we already gave them the first and last months rent, we have enough for march too- but we don't think we can afford it. We're (or were) using the income tax check to pay off the apartment and everything was settled, my aunt was going to stay with us. Now everythings fucked up because i don't think we're going to move to that apartment because we can't be sure that jay will find a good enough job to make what he was making. We have to move out by March 1st. I have a feeling we have to be out of here a couple days before though. Right now i have no idea if we're moving to that apartment or not and waiting until the end of Feb to move or what. We have no money, and i'm scared of what's going to happen. I don't know what's going to happen. My mom's thinking about applying for welfare again- maybe she'll get it? The reason it's ahrd to pay a big amount of rent is because we have a van payment plus insurance on both the van and car plus all these other bills we have to pay off. I need to find a job soon. I think i'm going to start applying as soon as basketball is over, and i get my surgery done. That's ANOTHER fucking thing- i have to get surgery. It feels like everything is just slowly crumbling and there's no hand reaching out. I don't think i'm going to school tomorrow. I need time to think, plus my back is in great pain from the game and so are my knees and ankles. Just when i thought everything was going to be okay GOD had to show me things weren't. Hasn't my family suffered enough problems?Can't we get a break for once?PLEASe?!?!? I don't think my heart can hold all of this. But i have to be strong- for my mom, for my brother, for my family. I can't let them see me crying so i need to stop crying now. Shit. It's hard when all you wanna do is yell into your pillow and scream and cry until your eyes hurt and your throat is sore. It hurts so much. I need a break. I don't know who to talk to about this- i really don't wanna' say anything to any of my friends- but i really need to hear "it will be okay nessa". I don't know. Maybe if i act okay and chipper no one will notice anything and ask me 24 questions, because as soon as people start asking i'm going to start crying. So i think that's why i'm not going to school tomorrow. I need to cool off- and deal. The only people i really tell anything to is James and Azra.. I feel i can trust them so much- they won't say shit behind my back, or judge me, or make fun of me, or point out my weaknesses. I feel like they'll understand, and just talk to me or something. I don't know they have this way of making me feel not so alone. Azra looks out for everyone. I swear her heart is so big. She's a great friend. And James- well James i can tell anything to and i know he won't let a word slip if i tell him not to let it. He's become a great friend to me. I noticed i can't really talk to Felix about any of this. We're just not that close- i think his joking and friendlyness is what attracted me. But now i'm not so sure if i even care to be around him anymore. He doesn't know me. And today he put me down- and ruined my mood. I guess he's just someone to talk to on a non regular basis and just another person i say hi to in the hall way. He's just another face in the crowd it seems. And now i'm not going to let myself let him stand out anymore. I don't need to be insulted by someone i like. So fuck that. I need to worry about my family right now anyways. It's not like anyone else in this world will care. With exception of a few people. I know if Rami see's me down he'll be a friend and be there for me. But i don't think Rami is the understanding type. I need to talk to Jai sun.. I could use someone to talk to. Now more then ever. My chest hurts. My heart is aching.. And my mind is ready to lose itself from me. But i'm holding on. I have to. Alright i finally got the tears to stop. ha. I'm listening to "Sky is falling" By lifehouse.. Blah it get's me even more emotional. I think the reason i'm so mean-ish, rough and strong at school and in life is because i'm VERY vulnerable- in every way.Especially relationship wise- ( i think that's why i avoid getting involved with any guys- i just sit and adore them from a distance i guess. So i won't get hurt- a lot of guys don't really want love anyways. And that's what i want. But i'm willing to wait until i'm practically dead- if that means i'll find someone meaningful to me, and someone who be there no matter what.) And i need that wall to protect my self- or i'll crumble like many others. I need to stay storng. It's my only way of getting through this all. This is all i can handle writing for now.. Please don't read this and judge me- i'm not in the mood to hear negative things. This is my weak moment. Let me deal with it. Don't bring me even more down. If it seems i'm over emotional right now- that's because I AM. I have every fucking right to be. I'm going to find a way to get through all of this and come up on top. I swear it. I'll try my damnedest. Vanessa old embraces || and those || yet to come |
I loved on 01.15.03 at 5:34 pm |